I Heard Your Call: Here was my Imaginary Answer

September 15th 2009

Added after that morning (yes morning, because I worked until the sun rose, writing and rewriting after reading your pieces late that night): “I am going to hold on to this imaginary conversation as long as possible. I intended this to be for just my own eyes, but if these are being read by the eyes of the one I still see in dreams, I ask for your forgiveness. I am ashamed of my weakness.” My plan was to write my heart away, let the emotions sweep me away, yet not act for three days after this piece was complete to allow myself time to remove myself from the feelings and come to a more clearheaded decision: Do I want to send this or not?

Hi. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve messaged, written or talked to you, so this feels somewhat awkward, but this is the only way I sense I can have this settled. There are some questions I have which I would like you to answer honestly (this is assuming you are willing and have enough patience to speak with me-- if not I am sorry to hear that). I am also assuming that we are past feelings of bitterness or hostility (I know I am), but if you are not, then please do me the favor by not replying at all. You don’t need to answer those questions (I will get to them later) at this moment, but it would be nice to have a response sometime in the near future. Are you listening?

I do not, want you to worry about being judged or hurting my feelings; if anything you would cause more harm to me (and possibly to yourself--I think) if you are not completely honest. So please, be honest, even if you need to be blunt, I can deal with that. Hell, I would prefer you to be blunt and clear than to be figurative and vague. Are you able and willing to be honest?

Alright, then I’ll start with some honesty of my own.

I’m not going to deny that I have fallen victim to curiosity. I confess that I have given into the impulse to question how you have been, which has prodded me to sneak a peek at your facebook page, or AIM profile from time to time, despite knowing that it is probably best for me to just mind my own business and let things go (YES, I do feel like an extreme creeper =P, and I never thought I would let myself get to this point ever, but alas here I am). With that said, I also admit that I read your blog poems and they have been driving me mad with questions for the past several days. Your words seem to echo nostalgic memories of past moments together, suggesting that the thought of you lingering on my mind is lingering on yours, and yet despite this, we tell ourselves that we should move on just as the seasons must change. You hoped I could be free so you could be free. It seemed fairly clear that you had moved onward and wished I could do the same, for both of our sakes.

Unfortunately, a desperate and love sick heart can warp the mind causing it dwell on the most miniscule phrases, twist the most clear statements, and override the most sensible conclusions and decisions. It screams at reason saying what she truly wants is not what she mouths outwardly, but what she desires secretly within; that she has never truly left, that she is lying to her heart and the entire world around her.

Sadly for this voice, your current situation indicates I am...

Delusional.

I do realize that these writings may have absolutely nothing to do with me, that they may simply be a creative outlet for your own interests, or some other purpose, and that my emotions have misled me into thinking these things. After all, it can be one of the most grievous errors to believe the poem, is simply a mere reflection of the poet. If this is the case, I am sorry for intruding into your private works, and causing my problems to spill over into yours, because after all, I chose to click on that innocent little blue link.


Before I bring up the question I would like to say, that I hate the fact that I needed to come to this, that I could not just ignore these lingering questions, that I could not just move on--especially given your current relationship status; call me weak, immoral, selfish, vain, stupid, narcissistic, deem me whatever you wish, but I can no longer endure not having emotional closure. Please help me find this. As hard as this may be to believe, I do not wish to prod or sway you, yet unfortunately I realize that letters of this nature make certain feelings arise inevitably. So, if you could hold your response until you feel you have answered in a clearheaded and sincere way I would appreciate it. I am sorry if I may temporarily cause you more unease, but I feel that this would be better for me (and perhaps you) in the long term.

Fortunately for you, I’ve managed to narrow it down to the three that are the most meaningful to me.

Well, here they are.

Do you still care about me?

Do you feel like there is still something between you and me which is more than just the faded memories, sadness, loneliness, regrets, or life lessons learned?

And most importantly, are all of these feelings something you truly wish to leave behind and move on from?

Thanks for listening



December 23rd

Isn't it strange...only after we have both finally moved on, can the unsaid be freed.